Many of us have been there, we have signed up to a dating site, we’re scrolling through the suggestions, we feel a gap and we need to fill it (get your minds out of the gutter).
We rarely stop to consider whether we are in the right place, whether we are in fact, Mrs Right. Now when I say Mrs Right I’m not talking Mrs Right for anyone but yourself. The lyrics from Lauren Hill resound in my head as I write this ‘How ya gonna win if you ain’t right within’. Absolutely Lauren.
I know that getting into a relationship may seem like the obvious solution but looking to love as a cure to loneliness isn’t the answer.
Loneliness can mean different things to different people. From my own experience, it meant different things at different times.
There was a time when loneliness was the absence of people who cared for me.
Another was the feeling of the absence of people who made me a priority.
For the majority of my life, it was the absence of people that I felt knew and understood me.
I once read that people-pleasing is people misleading. When you don’t feel worthy you tend to seek validation from outside of yourself. You don’t feel enough or good enough and so you play the role that you think people want to see. You do your best to make all of those around you happy. In doing so it prevents people from connecting with who you authentically are. They are never given the opportunity to. Now we do this for several reasons of which I will have to touch on another day but at the heart of it is often the sense that you won’t be accepted, loved, and liked for who you are. And so, you hold back, put on the mask, and loneliness it is.
Connection with other people can feel so draining when we aren’t being authentic and so while we may feel incredibly isolated and want to engage with other people there can be an awful lot of anxiety and dread that comes with it.
When we are lonely we are more likely to drop our standards, ignore the red flags, less likely to even see them. With that comes a vicious cycle. You can attract the wrong people, the people that won’t respect your boundaries. In such relationships confidence, esteem and worth plummet increasing the difficulty in getting out.
Rupi Kaur says that ‘Loneliness is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself’.
No one else.
It’s the signal for you to go within, to heal, to feel worthy once more.
Back to before life told you anything but.
You can watch a masterclass that I created covering this very topic and more.