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Why do I feel lonely all the time?

I think that there is a common misconception about what loneliness is.
Many people who have never experienced it think that it can be resolved by simply surrounding yourself with people.
Anyone who has will know this to be far from the case.
Loneliness has held different interpretations for me throughout the various stages of my life. Well, I say different, at the core it was very much the same issue.

As a child, I held back a secret. Sometimes it felt as though keeping that secret was all-consuming, other times I could push it right back in my mind, sometimes deluding myself, actually questioning it at all only to be reminded. I put on a mask at such a young age in the hopes to keep everyone happy, in the hopes that everyone would continue to love me.

My secret kept me trapped in my cage, separated from everyone.

As a teen I had many friends, my family played a large part in my life, and yet, my shame kept me lonely. My friends all seemed so ‘together’ at the time. Their families loving and caring, they didn’t seem to have a care in the world. I tried to behave the same. ‘If they knew’ framed every moment and deep down I didn’t worthy of being in that circle.
My shame kept me at a distance from my family. I wanted to protect them but at the same wanted to scream out, I was so angry. ‘How can you not see?’. ‘Do they just not care?’
The shame I felt kept me lonely.
As an older teen, now in a relationship, I felt more isolated than ever. I had watched for years as my mother had hidden and lied about my Step Fathers physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I had by then opened up and been shut down by my family, the police, and my mother. I had learned that it was shameful and humiliating to expose and so when my own relationship very much resembled the physical and emotional abuse I kept quiet, in fact, I did worse. I made out that everything was ok.
My fear of humiliation and my belief that I was worth no more kept me lonely.
After I fled my marriage we experienced incredibly difficult financial times. At the time a combination of misconceptions and beliefs I held about myself I agreed to enter the sex industry aside from my day job. I was no longer simply wearing the mask that I had donned when I was young, it was a part of me now. To my children, I was a hard-working mum who provided them with all of the materialistic items in life but was emotionally unavailable. To my family, I was a successful child to be proud of. To my friends, I was someone that they could rely on to bend over backward for them and who had it all together. To my online fans in the industry, I was a very popular temptress, and to protect my family the world that I portrayed to them was purely fictional. Some would say that I was made for that career and I have to agree. I, at my most broken and unhealed absolutely was.
This continued until I reached a breaking point. I was unable to compartmentalise, I was mentally exhausted, had crippling depression and chronic anxiety.
Throughout those stages, in my life, I had an abundance of people in my life but my loneliness bore an emptiness within me that is hard to explain.
Loneliness is –
  • Feeling as though you have no one to turn to for support.
  • Feeling isolated (Often self-inflicted as it can feel like the only way to protect yourself).
  • Lack of genuine, healthy relationships.
  • Lack of relationships in which you feel you can be authentically you.
Loneliness is a warning sign just as hunger is. It is a pain to highlight a lack of human connection.
We as humans have a fundamental need for social interaction, to feel as though we belong.
Loneliness is a warning sign just as hunger is. It is a pain to highlight a lack of human connection.
We as humans have a fundamental need for social interaction, to feel as though we belong.
I don’t feel lonely anymore despite having fewer people in my life than ever before. I don’t suffer from chronic anxiety either.
It took a great deal of healing, most especially around the subject of my fear of being rejected and abandoned rooted in many childhood experiences.
It took courage to be me. There was a time that the secrets that I have shared so freely with the world up above that kept me caged with severe mental unwellness. There was a time that I believed that I would keep it all to my death.
I chose to show up for myself, to the world. Me just as I am. Warts and all.
I am true to myself, I honour myself, I chase my passions and dreams, no fear of judgement, no f***s given because life truly is too short. I don’t want to spend it in the misery that I lived before. I express myself and make space for others to do the same.
Life has turned around.
Loneliness doesn’t live here anymore.
Crippling anxiety has left its residence.
How to tune into your intuition.

How to tune into your intuition.

When I do my weekly card pull in my free group there is always a message regarding intuition and I understand why.
Many of us in the group have learned not to trust our intuition, not to tune into it, not to value it.
I will give you an example. When you experience a domineering parent or an abusive guardian, your sense of ‘we are just as important as anyone else’ and ‘my opinion matters’ is overridden. Low self-esteem is the result.
‘I am not as worthy as others.’ You subconsciously tell yourself.
There are many other circumstances in which you will adopt this belief in childhood.
A belief that you genuinely believe to be true that over time you pass as fact.
You ignore your own internal navigation system time and time again because you have come to believe that you aren’t reliable or trustworthy. Others know better.

What it takes to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

What it takes to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

One of the most popular topics that people come to me about is relationships. After all, the quality of our lives is very much determined by the quality of the relationships we have with ourselves and others. I will start this by saying exactly what I do in my private sessions. You can not change anyone else. It’s important to acknowledge what is in your control and what is not. Ultimately, you can not force change within your loved one, you can however do your own work and come from a place of understanding, compassion, and assertion. We will get on to that in a moment.

So let’s talk about what a healthy relationship is. I have popped a list below however consider whether you have any additions to make.

Using your Black Moon Lilith placement to aid your shadow work.

Using your Black Moon Lilith placement to aid your shadow work.

Black Moon Lilith placement.
Black Moon Lilith is a point in the sky in which the moon is farthest from the earth.
A story of Lilith because you know I’m a nerd for these things.
In some Jewish mythology/folklore, Lilith is told to be Adams’s first wife before Eve. Rather than being created from his rib as Eve, she was created with the same clay as Adam. In the stories, she refuses to be subservient to Adam stating that they are equals, and leaves the Garden of Eden. She was portrayed as a demoness and the story goes that the angels killed hundreds of her children a day for her disobedience. There has been a turnaround on the view of Lilith as being the original woman to fight for equality.

What is Shadow Work?

What is Shadow Work?

Your shadow is the parts of our personality that you don’t see or don’t want to see.
It is all the parts of yourself that you repressed in childhood. All of the parts of you that you think to be unlovable, unlikeable, unacceptable. Parts of us that we learn to hide because through lived experience we believe we have to. To belong, to survive.

Is your wounded inner child running the show?

Is your wounded inner child running the show?

So what is the wounded inner child?

It’s a subconscious part of us in which every experience, feeling, fear, and conclusion that we drew about ourselves as a child resides.

I want you to bear something in mind for a moment. As an adult, we are able to take all things into consideration surrounding any particular event or situation. As a child, we don’t have the capacity to do so. Therefore we tend to view ourselves as the center of the earth. All that goes on around us is because of us for example. We are also entirely reliant on our caregivers. They are like Gods to us, infallible. So when they get something wrong, they of course aren’t wrong. We are.

Don’t let periods take over your life.

Don’t let periods take over your life.

I read something that shocked me recently.

Doctors rules that some women experience cramping that is as painful as a heart attack!

A bloody heart attack!

Now not having had a heart attack I have no idea if this is the case however it struck me.

We are just expected to carry on as usual and we do.

Wow!

So, back to the point of this blog.

A year ago I decided to start honouring my cycles and it has been life-changing!

The truth behind toxic people.

The truth behind toxic people.

She/He/They is/are TOXIC!
I don’t believe in ‘toxic people
Their behaviour, their attitude, their actions may well be unpleasant but them being labelled as ‘toxic’, I hate seeing it.
People aren’t toxic they have wounds.
For those with mental health conditions, much of their behaviour may be labelled as ‘toxic’. Pushing people away, cutting those that love them out, passive-aggressive to name a very small example.

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Why do I feel so lonely all the time?

by | Feb 8, 2021 | 0 comments